Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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