apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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