I can't watch pbs sober anymore
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
