my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize