You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
