If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
