What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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