dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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