This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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