OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
