Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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