i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
