Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
