Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
