do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
