I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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