what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize