i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
