a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
