i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
