Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
