It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
