Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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