come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
