Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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