If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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