I faked an abortion last night.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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