I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
