So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
