We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
