dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
