After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
