Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
