Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I cut my penus on the lid.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
