I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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