I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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