You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
