I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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