Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
