Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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