Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
