she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
