idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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