I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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