Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just forgot I was standing up.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
