Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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