last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
