He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
