She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
