I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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