what if every blade of grass was a penis?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize