His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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