Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
