yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Pants 0. Shit 1.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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