Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
