I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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