I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
