i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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