you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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