i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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