Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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