I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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