I puked a lego.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
